My Detective Friends

I helped my mom move this week from my childhood home. It was rather a bittersweet time, but emotion was quickly replaced by panic and the need to get everything packed up and boxed for the movers to take over to her new house.

The three guys she’d hired were very nice men- they called Mom “ma’am” and hustled furniture out the door faster than Ross can say PIVOT. I joked with the guys and they helped me out quite a bit. One of them in particular chatted with me often. He liked Motley Crue but could sing Milli Vanilli and he had very nice tattoo sleeves on both arms.

At one point during all the moving commotion he pulled me into the spare bedroom and produced a business card. He’d written out his full name and his cell phone number on the back and told me to call him any time I needed… a mover.

I awkwardly thanked him, pocketed the card, and after we all made it over to Mom’s new house, I took a pic of his info and sent it to the girls, telling them what had happened.

If you’re not completely familiar with Aggie and Christina, one thing you should definitely know about them is that they are internet super sleuths. I don’t know how they do it, but they can find out frighteningly accurate details about anyone, anywhere.  

Aggie started sending me random pics of men. “Is this him?” “How about this guy?” “What about this one?”

All were a no, and then she sent a mugshot.

And that one actually kinda looked like him. But this dude had hair and a beard. I told her, “Well, maybe the eyes are sort of the same… it’s probably one of his relatives…?” Their names were similar, but not identical.

(At this point I should probably give the moving guy a name for this blog… I’ll call him ‘Tomato’.)

The next day I was spending time with my Faithful Lies manuscript (it’s back from editing- YAY!) and I didn’t finish making notes until 8:45 at night. I thought about the mugshot Aggie had sent and I opened the laptop back up and typed in the guy’s name. Lots of images came up and then TOMATO’S face appeared on my screen! He was wearing orange and he wasn’t smiling and there was a charge and a booking number to the right of his photo.

I immediately messaged Aggie and Christina: OHMYGOSH YOU GUYSSSSSSS!!!

But wait… Tomato had a beard in the mugshot Aggie had sent.

I googled again.

Sure enough, Tomato had been convicted twice. Different years, same month. Maybe his fingers get more sticky during February? Burglary, petty theft, identity theft, unlawful entry… Well, Mom moved in April so probably she is safe.

Yes, Tomato had been handling all of her possessions, but he seemed like such a nice man- I couldn’t believe he would pilfer any of her jewelry or pretty teacups. And, also, his grammar was very good and his tattoos were lovely. Aren’t prison tattoos supposed to be blurry and sketchy? His had very clean lines around the skulls of death. What a shame those tattoos are attached to klepto arms.

Anyway, I was going to have to tell my mom. She should know there had been a convicted felon in her old house, her new house, and that he had touched most of her valuables. So I called her this morning and explained what had happened and while she took it all in in silence I asked permission to blog about it because I find the whole thing hysterically funny.

Then I texted my friend, Aaron, who is amazingly resourceful: “Can you look up a guy for me? I want to make sure he’s not murdery or rapey before I write a blog about him.”

Within minutes Aaron told me Tomato had been arrested for credit card theft, shoplifting AND OMG “escape from custody after felony offense”!!!

I assume that’s perp speak for “breaking out of prison”?

Well, that’s not a nice thing to do. I mean, Tomato accomplished a variety of thieveries and then tried to cheat the system by sneaking out of his punishment? Totally a no-no.

Aaron didn’t see any murders listed so I feel fairly safe about pubbing this blog, but if I AM eradicated in the next few days, you’ll know my assassin’s name is… Tomato. (and he might have some teacups in his pockets that should be returned to my mama)