Trapped

I started the 30 Day Challenge of writing a blog each day with every intention of following through. And then life, as it does, got in the way. The whole premise of any 30 Day Challenge is to make that ‘thing’ you’re honoring an absolute priority, no excuses. That said, this particular blog isn’t a reason or a justification for my not writing, it’s just an… explanation.

Do you remember when COVID began being reported on the news at the end of 2019? At first it was frightening, terrifying even. People were dying and so little was actually known about the virus. I remember feeling terribly sad for those who had been impacted, but it was with a feeling of detachment- like hearing about wars in other countries; it’s devastating, and your heart aches for fellow humans, but the implications have so little personal impact on your own day-to-day routine. For those of us who were far away from any chance of contracting corona, nothing much changed. But as the virus began to spread, and more and more people became sick, the pandemic was suddenly very real and very threatening.

I remember at the beginning of 2020 thinking I should write about my own personal experience with what was happening in the world, but as COVID swept America so did divisive opinions. The virus, and all its treatments, were fodder for all kinds of political discourse. Tolerance on either side was at an all-time low. No one wanted to hear anyone else’s narrative unless it agreed with their own. I’m not an overly political person, and keep which way I vote under wraps for the most part, so I had no desire to cast my own two cents into the fractious waters and possibly alienate half of my friends or family.

And then, in the middle of it all, Mark was diagnosed with cancer for the second time.

For me, the pandemic ceased to be the most horrific thing in life. And writing was a fleeting thought, an unimportant waste of time in the face of what we were up against. I became consumed with Mark obtaining the best medical care possible. In a strange twist of fate, we were able to secure an appointment with Dr Wang (who is considered the best head and neck cancer surgeon in the state of Arizona) because of COVID. People at that time were not going to doctors because they were afraid to leave their houses. Dr Wang, normally booked at full capacity, was not only able to see us right away but was able to schedule Mark’s life saving surgery within a week.

It was after that that we moved to Tucson for two months while Mark underwent daily radiation and weekly chemotherapy treatments. We were isolated in so many ways… away from our home and unable to be out in public for fear Mark would contract a cold or flu. His white blood cell count was so low that his body wouldn’t have been able to fight off the simplest of infections. The rest of the world was isolated too, trying to “flatten the curve”. We were all kind of living in our own bubbles, so many of us alone and lonely, the days dragging out monotonously, uneventful and dull. Except for those hours of torment when a loved one got COVID and life seemed to stand still.

I sort of wonder if things ever fully returned to pre-pandemic conviviality for us as a society? I feel like people don’t go out to eat as much, travel as often or even leave the house to browse stores for fun. Parties, big group adventures and business trips don’t induce the same kind of FOMO as they used to. Binge-watching shows, scrolling Amazon and wearing pajamas three days in a row became the new normal during COVID and that cozy way of spending our days seems to have carried over into 2022 despite lockdowns being a semi-distant memory.

I wanted to sort of briefly relive the pandemic in this blog because I’m trying to relate to you, my dear reader. When I tell you that my days are long and boring, that I have brief flashes of terror, that I feel isolated and alone and that a lot of the time I am simply existing, just waiting for the next event to happen, I am hoping you will understand. Cancer, much like COVID, leaves families depressed and anxious, trapped like flightless birds in a roofless cage.

Yes, Mark and I can still go out to eat, but he is limited to what he can order and then is only able to consume a very small portion. Chewing and swallowing take so much effort that it’s hard for him to talk. And even when he does talk it’s hard to hear his strained voice above the chatter of other diners. Traveling is out of the question as he is still too weak from his last surgery. All of our conversations from morning to night revolve around his shoulder pain, his cough, his fibrosis being uncomfortable, his tongue hurting, upcoming doctor appointments, or scans, or medications, is he eating/drinking enough, sleeping well, having any new symptoms… there is very little joy in the day to day. Similar to the pandemic, hours and months of sameness just bleed into each other.

Mark was off work last week so we were together more than normal. Because he doesn’t have the energy (or desire) to do very much, I didn’t want to tell him to give me time to write- I felt that would have been selfish of me. On top of which, even if I had asked him for alone time, there wasn’t a whole lot for me to blog about. I even hesitate to type all of this because I worry so much about bringing you down. I’d much rather publish a funny, happy, silly story. I’m so burnt out and depleted from worrying about Mark and feeling sorry for Mark that imaginative creativity seems like a long lost friend. Each day is a struggle for me to keep positive, to keep The Bear at bay and to hang on to some semblance of normalcy in an otherwise abnormal situation.

So my 30 Day Challenge… it has not turned out to be consecutive days. And, honestly, that does make me disappointed in myself. On the other hand, while I really am trying to make writing a priority in my life, it can never, and should never, be a priority over Mark.

I’m sending lots of love to each of you and I also wanted to say thank you for all of the messages- I’ve received so many beautiful notes via the blog and social media. You guys bring warmth to my soul and make me feel a part of something special. Please don’t ever stop reaching out with your own stories; your struggles, your victories, your happy moments and your sad moments. Your words bring comfort and light… and connection. xoxoxo

13 comments:

You are an amazingly talented beautiful woman. I like that you are human! And although you don’t see it, you are graceful in the process. I can understand that creativity and writing at this time is not your number one priority, because shit happens, and we constantly have to readjust our perspectives and priorities. I’m not a “I’ll pray for you” person, but you’re in my heart and I hope Mark gets feeling better soon.

Ahhhh Brett, thank you so much for your comments- they mean a lot. I admire you tons and think you’re a phenomenal person and mother. Your positive thoughts and vibes are greatly appreciated. Much love to you and your family! OH! And A-hole says hi! I have it on good authority Santa is bringing him a new aquarium for Christmas- I’m so excited! 🙂

Chelly…. Your writing is beautiful. Mark is lucky to have you in his life. Being a caregiver is hard. The struggle you are feeling is real, but you will get through it. You are strong and we do what we need to do for the ones we love. Xxoo

Thank you, Barbara! I am essentially a caregiver who doesn’t caregive- Mark is self-sufficient- I’m just kind of the nag- hahaha! We go back to Tucson soon so I will be glad to see Dr Wang again for updates. Thank you for being here and I’m sending you big hugs ❤

Chelly,
Hugs and prayers sent your way for the both of you. Your insight and sharing this journey touches my heart. That pain and frustration of being the caretaker is a heavy load, but know we care. Please keep posting when you can because it may lighten the load a bit.

Thank you, Shirl! You are right- writing has definitely been a helpful outlet for me. And you reading my blogs means so much to me ❤ xoxoxo

I appreciate this blog Chelly. I kinda
Identify in a way with always feeling I need to be positive, funny and on. It’s hard to be vulnerable and raw and especially weak. I feel like no one wants to hear or be around that. But it’s those moments of truth, whether I’m sharing or someone sharing that I feel the closest connection. There’s an absolute need to lean on others and it’s essential to surviving in this world.
I wish you weren’t going through this & didn’t even have to blog about this crappy stage of your life. It’s sucks and it’s unfair. But know your loved, there are so many people/“Babes” that only want the best for you & Mark.

Hang in there & continued prayers.

Thank you so, so much for your wonderful words, Danyail. You are right- I like what you said about the closest connections occurring when we’re vulnerable with each other. It’s a very scary endeavor! I am glad you are here and I treasure your support and love. ❤

I appreciate this blog Chelly. I kinda
Identify in a way with always feeling I need to be positive, funny and on. It’s hard to be vulnerable and raw and especially weak. I feel like no one wants to hear or be around that. But it’s those moments of truth, whether I’m sharing or someone sharing that I feel the closest connection. There’s an absolute need to lean on others and it’s essential to surviving in this world.
I wish you weren’t going through this & didn’t even have to blog about this crappy stage of your life. It’s sucks and it’s unfair. But know your loved, there are so many people/“Babes” that only want the best for you & Mark.

Hang in there & continued prayers.
Danyail

Consecutive days…What’s that? I think a lot of us live in that “never-ending day” timeline. So be pleased you did it…at all…sometimes just brushing your teeth is accomplishment enough for THAT day. Be kind with and to yourself. What you’re going through is a journey unique unto only you and Mark. We may be able to relate to your situation but we’re all on our own emotional roller coasters. And no two are the same. So FEEL what you FEEL and continue to blog, when and where you can…it touches souls, more than you know. It’s cathartic. It feeds your muse. It vents the volcano. Take every moment as it comes. Be present. Breathe. Sending you light, love and blankets of protection. (((Hugs)))

Hello my soul friend!!! I love all you said. Please don’t ever stop sharing your light… your beauty comes through and touches my heart whenever you message me. XOXOXOOXOX

In 7 years, I have lost 9 family members Watching your story has provided me with hope, and realization. This whole pandemic gave me the summer vacation I missed for years. Pull your strength from it. Climb mountains. You know how.

Oh April, my heart aches for you and your family! You have all been through so much. Life sure isn’t fair, is it? Why did we ever want to grow up??? Thank you for what you said… you are right, climbing mountains is something we have to do; the alternative helps no one. I needed that pep talk, friend. Thank you ❤

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