A dear friend texted me the other day after reading Drama, Drama, Drama and asked for another Mark and Chelly blog. The request made me remember the below blog entry I had written eight years ago, so I thought I’d post it for her- and for you- to enjoy.
*** Please know there is sensitive subject matter involved before you read on. A certain word has been replaced with “Captain Winky” to make this post at least PG-13, but some may find the topic offensive. ***
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Ever asked a question you wished you hadn’t? This happened to Mark yesterday when he innocently asked what a certain long, metal tube was used for.
I had had my nose pierced a month ago and needed to return to the piercing shop for a four week fitting (this involved bending the L-shaped opal stud for a more snug fit).
After I was finished in the back, Mark and I perused the jewelry gallery together in the front.
There were some fairly large metal tubes in one section of the glass case. They looked out of place with all of the body jewelry so Mark asked Tusk, my piercer, what they were for.
Tusk took two medium-sized tubes out and placed them on a velvet board for display.
Tusk said: This instrument is called a “sound”.
Mark put on his reading glasses and squinted a closer look.
Tusk to Mark: Do you know what a Prince Albert is?
Mark backed away ever so slightly (but very quickly) and said: Uh, yah, I’ve heard of it.
Tusk: So you take your Captain Winky and you insert this tube into his hole.
Mark: OHMYGOD!!!
Tusk: No, man, it feels good.
Mark (horrified): What the HELL are you talking about?!?!?
Tusk: You know how it feels awesome when the outside of Captain Winky is stroked and touched and rubbed?
Mark nodded weakly. He seemed to have trouble standing.
Tusk: It can feel good on the inside too.
Me: Honey? Are you ok? You look pale…
Mark: I can’t feel my legs.
Tusk: Seriously, dude, you just have to get used to it. The first couple of times it can be painful but then it feels phenomenal.
Mark shaking his head: But how can shoving a metal…
Tusk: Titanium…
Mark: …tube up your Captain Winky feel anything but… torturous?!?!
Tusk: Like I said, just the first couple times are uncomfortable and then it’s freaking unbelievable.
Mark: I’m going to throw up.
Tusk: When you first start, the part of the urethra that’s just inside is extremely sensitive. But, bro, after you try sounding a few times, all that sensitivity starts to go away, and it feels A LOT f’ing better.
I’m intrigued. I’ve led a pretty sheltered life. This is all new stuff to me.
Tusk (holding up the larger rod): See this ball at the end?
Me: Yes.
Tusk: He would hook his Prince Albert to that.
I nodded.
Mark: I am NOT getting a Prince Albert!!! And I sure as hell don’t want a ROD rammed up my Captain Winky!!!
Me: But what if it felt good?
Mark: It would NOT feel good!!! Are you INSANE?!?!
Mark’s eyes were wild and he was deathly pale. He seemed to be protectively covering his male area with his hands.
Tusk: Well, dude, any time you want to try it out, just let me know. I can pierce you for the Prince Albert and then we can move on from there after you’re healed.
Mark emitted a tiny, guttural squawk and then he vanished out the nearest exit door.
Tusk to me: You know Prince Albert’s are really for the women to enjoy.
Me: So I’ve heard. Thanks for all the info.
Tusk: See ya.
I walked outside. Mark was sitting in his Prius hyperventilating.
Me: You ok, sweetie?
Mark: I think I’m going to cry.
I laughed and ruffled his hair.
Mark: Well, I plan to see this in print. That was total blog fodder.
Me: Yes, it was.
Mark: You’re going to google ‘sounding’, aren’t you?
Me (giggling): Yup.
Mark: Great. We’ll have all kinds of viruses on the computer.
Me: Syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea…
Mark: Haha, very funny.
He was still white as a ghost and, as we drove away, I heard him muttering under his breath: “I’m never asking a question again. Anywhere. Ever.”